The Drowning Howl: Saturday May 28, 2022
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Good day, and here is our report for another week. As usual, only five things happened. Although rents seem to be soaring out of reach, a top developer advises that we brace ourselves and wait until more affordable housing can become available. He says that old shipping containers offer a quick fix. Stackable up to five storeys, the containers could house a growing population, making ideal family units. Easy to assemble Anderson bomb shelters, on the other hand, could accommodate single men. A suitable zone for such dwelling places still needs to be found, with the city dump highest on the current list of possibilities. It may take a long time to realize this Utopian vision, but existing units are expected to finally drop in price once they start to get run-down. Strong faith in our soldiers on the Eastern Front was voiced in parliament on Wednesday, declaring that they are the superior military force and that the enemy cannot defeat them. These words were transmitted live to a frontline commander, but he said he couldn't hear it over all the gunfire and cluster bombs. A courier was dispatched to personally present a typewritten copy of the reassuring message, but has since gone missing. He and his guide were last sighted in no man's land, where they appeared to be asking a tank for directions. Since then, we must trepidatiously report that a communication of eerily similar construction has been sent by the enemy parliament to their frontline troops. As workers struggle to restore electric power after last week's devastating tornado, the entire grid may be in for an overhaul. To better withstand such events, planners want to start burying cables underground instead of always suspending them from those flimsy, skeletal towers. Supplemental manpower for the immense undertaking, it was agreed, could be obtained by a forced labour program, which would also help to keep restless citizens under control through the long blackouts. Some proactive measures were discussed, as well, such as switching over to greener technologies - most notably, wind power. A spokesman for the gun lobby has come under fire for making reckless and inaccurate assertions. In apparent defence of the right to bear arms, Jack Hairtrigger said that an assault rifle is 'just another firearm with a scary name.' As many now know from watching documentaries like JFK: The Smoking Gun, the AR-15 assault rifle, once favoured by Kennedy's Secret Service men, takes a frangible round, of which only one per kill is needed. A single magazine holds 14 rounds; so, 14 kills per magazine. You may survive a single gunshot from other weapons, but not likely from an AR-15 so loaded. Furthermore, in killing capacity, it rather eclipses the flintlocks in use at the time of the Founding Fathers and their Constitution. And, quick thinking prevented a full-scale riot at the headquarters of the Committee to Find Atlantis last night. With such passionate disagreement between members as to the location of the legendary lost city, it is a volatile group. This time it was the Bermuda Triangle delegation who rushed the Mauritania advocates for suggesting a site in the Sahara Desert over 1000 feet above sea level. Fortunately an intrepid officer on the scene, by simply yelling, PLATO WAS A HACK, was able to draw unanimous ire upon himself, and thus neutralize the powder keg. Oh well, at least the whole week didn't end in tragedy. From the Drowning Howl, have a great weekend. |
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| © 2022. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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