The Drowning Howl: Sunday May 22, 2022
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Good morning, and welcome to the Drowning Howl. Owooooooo - gurgle, gurgle. It's 1:30 am. Topmost in our order, His Regal Nighness, the Lord of Dauphins, arrived in the country for a three-day summit with indigenous leaders at a sweat lodge in Baffin Island on Sunday. There they renamed him 'Water on the Knee' and told him he was the reincarnation of a great Medicine man sent by the Creator to save the lakes from overicefishing and to protect the tundra. The subarctic region is expected to become more navally strategic in the future due to global warming. Naturally, with his mother, the Monarch, approaching extreme old age, everyone is rushing to ingratiate themselves to the Lord, hoping to have his favour when he ascends to the throne. So you'd better not call him 'Big Ears' anymore. And, for Christ's sake, don't mention his ex-wife. In war news, in newly seized territory, an enemy court has sentenced a man for whistling the 80's pop anthem, Don't Worry, Be Happy, in public. He swore in his defence that he didn't know he was breaking the law, and that he stopped right away when he saw that the guards didn't like it. Wishing to make an example of him, his prison term will be indefinite, depending on however long it takes for the song's merciless hook to stop repeating in his judge's brain after only one listen. It shows you exactly the kind of evil we're up against. Also, with our frontline ports blocked from shipping vital food supplies, our modern mothers are at an understandable loss for how to supplant the precious baby formula missing from supermarket shelves. A debate over gun control was soundly won today when one of the speakers pulled an Uzi out of her bag and pressed its muzzle to her opponent's head, in order to reinforce a winning point in her argument. Many now question whether guns should be so easy to get, but few have the courage to picket such well armed shops. Instead, bulletproof glass installations are on the rise. Bulletproof vests, however, remain far too uncomfortable for practical use - especially in summer. Internet giants are working on a customer service android to better address the needs of their website users. With no worker wanting to do the job, it will have to be as human as possible, and capable of fulfilling all essential tasks, from technical assistance all the way to nodding and smiling while being yelled at. It will tolerate a face slap from an irate customer, but an abuse detector will trigger an overwhelming response from the unit beyond that point. Capable of chasing trespassers clear out to the parking lot, it will doubtless double as a security guard. A controversial new treatment for depression has added the hallucinogenic alkaloid 'psilocybin' - better known as 'magic mushrooms' - to the range of legal prescription options available to diagnosed patients across the land. The first taker has thus far reported a generally euphoric experience, and that the drug truly made him forget his depression - albeit, along with his date of birth. With the highest offices now almost wholly occupied by baby boomers, we should perhaps expect this kind of change. Mescaline, derived from the peyote cactus, may also be tried. If ultimately unsuccessful, at least some interesting music may come out of it. That's our report for the week at the Drowning Howl. We hope you found it enlightening. Until next week, good bye. |
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| © 2022. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
I wonder who gets to see the comments from these posts.
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