The Drowning Howl: Sunday June 5, 2022
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Good morning, and welcome, once again, to the Drowning Howl. Never mind my name. Ruling our schedule this week, the Monarch's Platinum Jubilee proceeded without a hitch; with no sex scandal, no drunken riot, no political protest, no firecrackers, no gate-crashers, no streakers, no assassination attempts, no melodrama, no clinking ice cubes, no vulgar jokes, and not even so much as a wavering raspberry. In short, the event was entirely uneventful, but, of course, that's how she prefers it. And who can blame the old gal for wanting a little peace and quiet after all the shocks she's withstood over the years? Besides, we must go easy on her if we want to celebrate her Rhodium Jubilee in another 20 years. 'Not guilty,' say the jury in the assault trial of the Hollywood actor, Jimmy Tripp. Although eyewitnesses confirmed his transgression, further examination disclosed that it occurred because the plaintiff, his estranged girlfriend, had shaved off one of his eyebrows in the middle of the night as he lay asleep. Learning of the prank only late the next morning after having been presented by the plaintiff with a fresh newspaper photo of himself, he was excused by the jury for grabbing her by the hair in response. All charges have been dropped, and the case closed - for now. Foreign jet pilots accused of disturbing Canadian military aircraft over the Sea of Japan say the act was unintentional. They say they do not stumble on Canadian formations until the very last moment. At that point, they hit their air brakes hard, but still find themselves hurtling past our planes at dangerously close range. Unaware until now that any Air Force was still using propellor driven monoplanes this late into the twenty-first century, they promise to watch out for them in the future. The Minister of Defence has requested a slow-down zone within the operating area. In sports, Greg Gangle finished first at the Tournament of Teamsters, edging out his nearest competitor, Paul Yackabuk, by a mere two points after a direct confrontation in the key event of forklift jousting. After two battering rounds, Gangle was within inches of being pushed into the metal compactor when his machine's misaligned forks caught a live cable and brought its sputtering end down on his opponent's conductive mount. Terrified, Yackabuk bailed out to safety, forfeiting the game. The Tournament of Teamsters is an annual event sponsored by Worker's Compensation. We close with a story about a new mental illness cropping up among men in their mid-fifties, characterized by paranoia, hyperactivity, and hallucinations. Professionals are at a loss for a name for the condition, but note the similarity of its symptoms to the effects of prolonged sensory deprivation. Divided over the cause, some point to the expansion of a music industry to ever new limits of mediocrity as the culprit, while others think it may come from sensing a growing loss of human warmth commensurate with technological progress. Until a chemical solution can be found, they advise victims to watch more Saturday morning programs from 1970, to self-medicate appropriately, and, above all, to avoid news reports. Oops, I guess it's too late for that last one. Sorry. And good-bye from the Drowning Howl for another week. |
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| © 2022. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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