The Drowning Howl: Saturday May 7, 2022

The Drowning Howl: Saturday May 7, 2022
Good evening. Since Thursday, the May 5th deadline has expired on the enemy drive to consolidate its gains in time for Cinco de Mayo. The tequila-soaked international holiday, commemorating Mexico's victory of the Battle of Puebla in 1862 against the invading French, should slow down assaults on our troops - as well as our own counter-attacks - until well into the weekend. However, given the enemy's disdain for our maternity wards, we'll probably be busy again on May 8th - Mother's Day. On the medical front, now that missile attacks have chased doctors and patients out of solid buildings and into flimsy tents, they appear reluctant to mark their new locations with a large red cross.

The Committee for Weather Control has announced a startling breakthrough, saying it may finally be possible to push our damp coastal climate into the dry interior woodlands where it is needed. The move would greatly reduce forest fires in the summer months, but requires conjuring a category-5 hurricane to get it going. Since the coast is densely populated, the worst slum they can find will have to be sacrificed as the storm's launch point. Developers are excited about the plan.

In business, new consumer trends are anticipated as authorities in the world's most populous cities attempt to curtail the use of hydro powered recreational devices by restless citizens enduring a prolonged lockdown. In order to avoid a crippling blowout, they urge those many trapped at home to play traditional games, such as cards, dice games, or Chinese checkers, and add that tossing cards into a bowl can be great fun. At night they suggest reading by candlelight or looking at planets through a telescope. Analysts say nerf products are set to make a big comeback.

On the stage, the Rock and Roll Hole of Flame consumed another band during a macabre circus last midnight. The band is so famous that we don't even need to tell you its name, while the name of the poor sod from whom they stole their last two hits is largely unknown. Fans cheered as the M.C. cracked his whip and drove the terrified performers, one by one, through a flaming hoop, and, from there, into a forbidding vortex. Every year the most ruthless and corrupt rock stars are so honoured.

And, after all that, a cute Labrador pup named Sonny shows that the world still can't be such a bad place. Anti-abortionists recruited the animal as a mascot, hoping to use him to tug on the heartstrings of legislators. They say Sonny is up to the task, and can turn a cold blooded killer into a gentle humanitarian with one lick of the fingers. He is scheduled for a visit to the hill, just as soon as they can get him to stop peeing on the floor. Poor little guy.

And that's all the news they didn't tell you for another week. From myself and everyone here at the Drowning Howl, have a great weekend.

   
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© 2022. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

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