The Drowning Howl: Friday April 29, 2022
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Violence at a downtown home electronics store this afternoon when an armed man burst in, turned his shotgun on the blu-ray player section, and opened fire for over ten minutes, destroying fourteen of the devices and damaging twenty before turning the gun on himself as police closed in around him. His neighbours say that he was as gentle as a lamb before he got his blu-ray player, and that his loud grumbling over its constantly failing performance grew more and more homicidal in the months leading up to the crime. A statement from Blu-ray denies any responsibility, saying that they are helpless against killing machines. Suspicions about the untimely death of a much loved royal are squarely dealt with in the controversial new documentary film, Crash Course. While other documentaries on the subject tend to depict the doe-eyed blond princess as an innocent crash victim, this one accuses her of, among other things, playing politics with her charities, threatening to cause a family schism, and breaking the royal code of silence. Asked to elaborate on the lattermost, none of the other royals were able to respond. Speaking of free speech, the sale of the popular social media platform Hater for forty-two billion dollars proves to its new super-rich owner, Elton Fisk, that it is now in better hands. Fisk says he wouldn't sell out his dependants for any less than 100 billion. To advance free speech, he may be prepared to infringe on other rights, such as the right to peace and quiet. All the same, the site remains a great place to gather gossip, or to get mixed up in a cult or an extremist group, and the endless publicity heaped upon it is the most important thing. To the war, where night attacks by enemy forces have been hindered by their hapless occupation of a nuclear disaster zone last month. Now that 25 percent of them glow in the dark, they have lost all hope of maintaining stealth. Meanwhile, our wounded are all keen to recover, as an enemy missile could bring the roof of their hospital crashing down on them at any moment. And, on a potentially new front, the bombing of a small radar tower, seen initially as a false flag attack, has turned out to be the work of juvenile delinquents. That's what we get for letting them play with firecrackers, little devils. And, at last, modern technology has furnished the ultimate recreational solution, a 360 degree virtual reality headset that is capable of convincingly transporting gamers into an alternate world entirely of their own design and for limitless durations. However, concerns about the product's addictiveness and the tendency of its single users to stay single were brought to the attention of its developer at a conference earlier this week. There he explained that his device won't hurt anyone normal, and that people with artificial romantic partners are best kept single in the real world. |
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| © 2022. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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