The Drowning Howl: Saturday May 14, 2022

The Drowning Howl: Saturday May 14, 2022
Hello, and thank you for joining us today at the Drowning Howl. We don't get paid for it, we just like the attention.

A major air disaster was narrowly averted this week when the engine of a jetliner caught fire just as it made its final approach. Luckily its destination was Vancouver, and the crew were able to put out the blaze just by flying into a cloud. To maintain calm, passengers were kept unaware of the emergency until it had passed.

Technicians are mystified by the malfunction of a power outlet used by a popular quiz show during a taping. Second degree burns were sustained by a contestant when a ball of highly charged plasma leapt up from the box below him and landed on his buzzer hand. The man had just named Guglielmo Marconi as the inventor of the radio, winning money and applause. As it turns out, another inventor, Nikola Tesla, held the original patent for the radio, and also invented the power outlet.

In war news, in a special Easter address, the High Priest of the East praised his country's invasion of its neighbour as a 'triumph over infidelity'. Calling our culture abominable, he credited his military for discouraging the spread of Rose Bowl Parades. Our own Vicar of Virtue said he'd never heard such a low blow coming from a High Priest, and prayed that the holy angels join us in battle against the forces of darkness. Our brave frontliners hope to fare better than the ancient Essenes.

The threat of an enemy nuclear strike must not force us out of our current conventional military posture, according to a preeminent theorist. Professor Gottfried Dammerung insists that our most offensive weapons of mass destruction need only be used defensively, and only if it's the only way to win. He says our nuclear armed foe is of the same sensible mind, sticking to bullets and TNT - and maybe just a little phosphorus - in order that we may forestall the greatest extinction event since the end of the Mesozoic Era. Perhaps a prolonged stalemate is our best hope.

Far, far away from our warring planet, a psychic claims to have teleported 30,000 light years to the black hole at the centre of our galaxy. She said it is indeed a portal, and that it leads to a colourful cartoon world of giant heads, rolling hills, and psychedelic rock. She said she adapted easily to two-dimensional life, and that the only challenge was trying to change her contact lenses when she could only see her reflection from her periphery. Parapsychologists are taking the account seriously, but pharmacologists are skeptical.

And that's it for another week of all the news they didn't tell you. Maybe we shouldn't either, but someone has to tell you... No? You disagree? Oh, well, have a nice weekend anyway.

   
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© 2022. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

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