The Drowning Howl: Sunday July 3, 2022

July 03, 2022

12:26am: Good evening, and welcome to the Drowning Howl where we make the headlines. Why? Because you deserve better.

Population centres along the West coast received a stone warning yesterday, soon after an insatiable forest fire spread into a massive grow op. It has already claimed one casualty, a CL-215 pilot who apparently forgot how to fly his plane while penetrating the thick white cloud of smoke over his target area. Health officials warn all affected citizens to stay indoors if they want to avoid the intoxicating effects of the fire, but no one in Vancouver has yet reported any abnormalities in their mood or appetite.

Meteorologists warn of hotter summer temperatures again this year, largely due to greenhouse gas emissions. As industry looks for solutions, beautiful women must cope the old fashioned way, by ventilation. According to experts, beautiful women are most at risk of asphyxiation if they do not shed all of their excess garments before leaving their homes. We're only reporting it for their own good; the less they wear, the better. So if you're a beautiful woman, don't take chances with your life; take it off. And you can be creative. It's amazing what you can accomplish with scissors. You can still keep your halter tops, but- Huh? Time for the commercial? We have a sponsor? Ha! That's a good one. Right then, back in half a minute, I guess.

August 19/22: Author's Note: The following is not a joke about suicide, but a joke about clean burning fuels.

(30,29,28...) COMMERCIAL: Environmental Industries

This planet is in deep trouble. As more and more toxic chemicals are pumped into the atmosphere, we must try to avert ecological disaster at the very last moment. Here at Environmental, we plan to be ready for that postponed eventuality.

(A man runs a hose from his vehicle's exhaust pipe into its back window, rolls up the window, tapes around the openings, gets in the car and turns on the engine.)

This henpecked husband has chosen a once reliable route to self-destruction. Little does he know that his wife prefers 'E-6', one of our cleanest burning fuels. Let's check back on him in an hour.

(An hour later, his wife finds him sitting up and alert. She opens the car door, shuts down the engine, pulls out the keys, takes him by the ear, and leads him away.)

And it looks like another happy ending for Environmental! Environmental: Keeping the level sub-lethal.

(2,1,0...)

The recent conviction of pop star Ras. Cally for sex offences is not enough, says his next prosecutor; an even greater offence may have been committed by his music. Retail employees around the world are filing a class action suit for psychological damages wrought upon them by his hit, I Believe I Can Die. They say they find it impossible to shake its chorus fully from their brains, even though they hate the song, and that repeated listening brings on a powerful urge to jump out of the nearest open window. Their union has appealed to all pop stations to suspend its airplay until an accurate count of its fallen members has been completed for entry as legal evidence.

In war news, the enemy claims to have made a humanitarian gesture. After being on the receiving end of relentless shelling by our troops for several days, they have decided to withdraw from the strategic island they were using to block vital food shipments. They have shown us what it takes to bring out the best in them, and we can now look upon our long-range artillery as a true force for good; a bitter medicine, perhaps, but still the only known remedy for political megalomania. And if we can achieve that much with artillery shells, just imagine how good we could make them with napalm. Indeed, the poor and starving of the world may be counting on us to take the bloodiest, most merciless path of destruction possible.

And, finally, tonight, all workers from coast to coast enjoyed the Canada Day holiday on Friday - well, almost all of them. We here at the Howl had to work through the holiday to meet our deadline. But never mind about that, drink up! 155 years ago, the Fathers of Confederation - not to be confused with the Confederates of the U.S. Civil War - were also working; working to carve out a beautiful new country; a new country called Canada. They already knew how to build weapons factories, and they were sure they could push West all the way to the Pacific coast. The bows and arrows of their resisters would prove no match for the Gatling gun, horse artillery, hand grenades... Uh, what's that? Oh, out of time! Too bad.

That's our report for another week then. I think I'll go for a walk outside. Happy long weekend!

Comedy Sketches

Cartoons

Arguments

Lyrics

Poems

More Scripts

Statements

Songs